How Dancing In the Dark Taught Me Not to Be a Victim

 If you ever doubted that your thoughts can affect your experience, or your vibe can affect what’s around you, consider this…

Many years ago, long before I knew that thoughts are creative, or about owning your space, or Aikido, I had a minor life-changing experience while out dancing in the dark to live music one night. Back in the days when I could stay up that late, I often took to the dance floor shoeless. It was the norm to dance solo; what my friend Nita calls “wiggle dancing. Shoes were always optional in my favorite spot, so it was completely safe to go barefoot – that is, if you don’t count the grunge you accumulates on your socks, leading to the inevitable decision of whether to get that grunge in your shoes when you put them back on, or to go home sockless. But I digress.

What The Heck?

So there I was on the dance floor in my socks, having a great time for about a half hour, until a number of couples joined me on the tiny dance floor. No big deal, that was normal. But this time – maybe it was the choice of band that carried a different crowd? – I was getting elbowed in the chest by people taller than me, and I looked around to notice an uncharacteristic sea of cowboy boots and stilettos stomping the floor around me. What the heck? This is ‘70s Cotati, the post-hippie mecca full of flower children and burnt-out longhairs. Why are there cowboy boots and high heels on my barefoot hippie dance-floor? Granted, I wasn’t on the Cotati Caberet’s enormous dance floor that night, but at the tiny Inn of the Beginning. But I was there to have a good time swimming in the music, and these couples were bulls in my china shop. I was outnumbered. My rumination was interrupted by a sharp pain in my right foot as a stiletto heel came down on it. The pain was intense. Even shoes would not have helped much with that drunken misstep onto my instep. I wondered if it was broken. I stood, waiting for the pain to subside.


I noticed that the more perturbed I became, the more collisions I experienced. So I made a decision: I am going to have fun anyway. I am just going to close my eyes and enjoy the music as I always do. And I did. Near the end of the next song, I realized that no one had bumped into me since I had closed my eyes and let go. I opened them, and was pleasantly surprised to see a two-foot clearing all around me!

I Wonder What Would Happen

Delighted at this, I decided to experiment. I kept my eyes open and went back to scrutinizing the elbows and dangerous shoes around me. I didn’t say a word or look anyone in the eye, just this one internal shift. Within a minute, I was being bumped and jostled again. Fascinating! So being all Spock about it, I again closed my eyes and went back to grooving in my own rhythm, abandoning myself to the music and forgetting that anyone else was there. Once again, my space cleared in less than a minute. Magic, I thought! This is amazing. I tested it once more with the same results.
This is fantastic news! When I shrink back from seeming insult – whether intentional or not – the world literally crowded in on me. When I refused to let it bother me, and stayed in my own Joy and space, that space was given to me. 

My Mindset Actually Affects What Happens

So it is with interactions off the dance floor. And in everything. The mindset I bring with me into a situation can actually affect what happens. Not just what I see, but how people interact with me, whether or not they see me. This was proof for me that if I don’t occupy my own space, others will. It’s a physical example of what we might call being a pushover – when we aren’t accepting that we have a right to be here, that this is our designated space in the world, and fully living in it and enjoying it, we can be invisible to other people. Some of the couples around me may have had a feeling of entitlement because they outnumbered me, because singles don’t count in their minds, but I would guess that most of them didn’t even notice. Because I wasn’t filling my physical space, I was simply invisible to them. I mean, they weren’t THAT much taller than me. It was my mindset that was affecting my surroundings, like that science experiment where the sub-atomic particles change their behavior depending on what the observer thinks, does, or expects.


Feeling Invisible

I have noticed this many times since then. In business meetings, where I make a suggestion that is ignored, and someone next to me says the exact same thing five minutes later and everyone thinks it’s a great idea. Something about my manner (I won’t assume it was my gender, but it could be) made me invisible at those meetings.

Still Practicing

I wish I could say that this was the last time I felt invisible, but I’m still practicing decades later. After a second degree Black Belt in Aikido, lots of work, and Practitioner studies, this first lesson stays with me. And when I get grumpy about my surroundings being less than my self-made expectations, I know I have another option: To relax and just Be.

Ahh... That's much better.

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How About You?

Do you find that things are smoother and easier in your life when you are in your own rhytm and enjoying life?