I've Seen Dead People

I lost my beloved cat about a month ago. She was nearly 18.
Those of you who dote on your furry friends know what that means.

Letting Her Go

The good news for both Lia and I was that she seemed healthy right up until her last 2 days. On a Thursday morning, she couldn't support her hind legs, and all day she looked close to death. I didn't think she'd make it through the night. I spoke with the veterinarian's office that day, but there was no vet in the office that day. I thought she had chosen to go on her own since she picked a day when they were closed.

But she rallied late that night. On Friday, her last day, she howled every half hour or so. I don't know whether or not she was in pain, but it certainly hurt me to watch it. I didn't know what to do for her, and as the song goes "When things go wrong with you, it hurts me too."

I spoke to the veterinarian that morning, telling them what I saw. I had an appointment at the veterinarian at 5:45. I was braced for hearing some medication she would want to try. But when I got there, they handed me the euthanasia form to sign. After watching her for the last day and a half, how could that be a surprise to me? I was deeply grateful that I had asked a good friend to drive me.

So I cried with her and comforted her as they gave the injection. And in a moment, she was gone.

The Kindest Thing For Her

The vet said it was the kindest thing I could do for her. But here's the thing. I have to wonder whether that was the best thing for her. She could not speak to me to let me know what she wanted. And I get the sense that animals are more OK with pain and transition than humans are.

I find it strange that it is illegal in most states to euthanize a human who requests it, but it is considered normal to euthanize a pet when they are suffering. That's because we can generally ask a human what they want. Most have the mental capacity to make that kind of decision.

When It's My Time

Personally, I will choose to go naturally as possible. As a teen or tween, someone mentioned to me that when it's their time, they wanted to die in their sleep. I blurted out, "not me! It's a once in a lifetime experience, and I don't want to miss it! I think that it will be a personally unprecedented opportunity to open and experience the transition from physical to non-physical. I'll use pain meds, but for me, that experience is something not to be missed.

So why did I deprive my most beloved friend that opportunity?

And I have a definite sense that the pet knows what is happening, and that by euthanizing her, I may have interrupted her natural process of letting go.

Did I Do the Right Thing?

So did I do the right thing for my fuzzy sweet heart who had been with me, so connected, for so long?  Always kind, mostly patient (except when she was hungry).

She often understood what I was saying in such an intuitive way. She also understood mirrors. She would watch me in the mirror as I spoke to her, moving around as I dressed in the morning.

Did I deprive her of her natural process of letting go of her physical body and of me?

I know that if I did, that she is OK anyway.
I dreamed of her a few days later - another story for another day.

What About You?

Have you had a pet die? How did you handle it?